the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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