Her vagina should come with caution tape.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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