it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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