Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
