I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
