in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Never underestimate the power of titties
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
