then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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