if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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