apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize