So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
is that a dick in a sweater?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
