I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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