the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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