it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
