I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
