I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
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