She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize