now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
