I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
this beer tastes like vomit already
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize