apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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