i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
