apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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