Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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