I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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