You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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