mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
