i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I want you more than these girls want KFC
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
