You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
