I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
it's like iHOP with fire
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
