God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
