It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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