I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
