I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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