guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Can Purell be used as lube?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
