I faked an abortion last night.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
