I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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