I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
