Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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