I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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