Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
