I'm sorry my penis didn't work
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
