i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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