so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
