I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Randomize