she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
