I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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