WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize