i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
