I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Farmville is her only friend.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
