do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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