i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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