She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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