That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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