Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
