So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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