I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
operation harelip BJ is a go
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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