Old men and throwing up are my life now.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize