Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
