ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
