Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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