girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
