its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
