Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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