Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
