I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
