woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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